Just Nicky

More Robust August 31, 2005

After a bit of a cry and some TLC from Mark, I’ve woken with an improved attitude and feeling more robust today.

I’ve reminded myself that the only thing I can control is myself. There’s nothing I can do to change the monolith or any of its minions’ minds. I suspect any decisions or lists that need to be made have been, if not formally, then at least in certain people’s minds and whichever one I’m on, I’m on.

My focus at the moment, anyway, needs to be my health and well being and this is probably a good time to do that. While I’m not fully occupied or needed at work I’m at liberty to take better care of myself.

Wondering about what might have been won’t get me anywhere. The space I’m in today is all that really matters and only I can determine where I go from there. I’m going to keep repeating that.

Feeling extraneous August 30, 2005

I’m having a moment where I’m wondering why they keep me hanging around here. I feel very much as if I have no particular function or value in this organisation. I feel kind of abandoned and hurt.

Generally I’m pretty good at rationalising this stuff and letting it slide by. This is just one of those minutes, or hours, or days when I’m not. I feel like the fuckers have left me hanging in the hope that I will skulk off and solve the problem of what to do with me for them. Or that I have so totally stuffed up everything I’ve touched that no one can imagine a role for me that’s suited to my level of incompetence.

Intellectually I know that this is silly. That this organisation lacks the wit and the sense to have any feelings about me at all. That I am just one among many in a similar situation and on the next swing of the pendulam it could all change. But I’m not feeling very intellectual at the moment.

I also must remember that I am also working from a fairly depleted position myself. I’m coming off multiple life-changing events in a short period of time and that’s likely to make anyone feel the need for reassurance. I also need to remember that my iron levels are probably still very low and so I am more tired and emotional than I should be.

All that said, I think I will have a headache and leave work a bit early today. I won’t be missed.

sniffle August 26, 2005

Why is it that, just when I start making serious efforts to be healthy, the first thing that happens is that I get a cold? Is this some kind of rebellion the part of my body?

It’s just at the beginning so I’m zapping it with echinacea and keeping my fingers crossed.

On the subject of siblings August 25, 2005

I have 4 siblings - all much older than me. Brother 1 is 13 years & 3 months older, Brother 2 is 12 years older, Sister 1 is 10 years & 8 months older and Sister 2 is 9 years & 4 months older.

My brothers & Sister 1 had left home before I was 9. They all had children by the time I was 12. Sister 2 & I shared bedrooms on and off throughout my childhood and she was the one I spent the most time with. Consequently I worshipped the older 3 and was fairly indifferent to Sister 2.

That changed in 1984 when Sister 1 went to America, recovered some memories and the family imploded. 20 years later, thinking about the whole thing still upsets me. I found it difficult to like Sister 1 for quite a while after.

Over the ensuing years I found that I was better off with some distance from my older 3 siblings. I don’t feel a particular connection with my brothers and find Brother 1 particularly annoying as he always seems to know all there is to know about everything. Every time I get close to Sister 1 I find myself drawn into her ongoing intrigues with The Mavis and it’s not somewhere I want to be.

I get on well with my older siblings. I see them at family events and that’s good. But I don’t want to spend any more time with them. And that works very well for me.

Sister 2, however, I will happily spend lots of time with. I love to see her with Foozley. I value her judgment in everything, except fashion.

Opting for a small life

I started to comment on Helen’s blog, but decided it warrented an entry on it’s own.

About 3 or 4 years ago I came to a few realisations. The first was that, in my mid-30’s, I had probably missed the boat to rise much above my current rung on the corporate ladder. I also realised that I am not possessed of the necessary drive to do anything about that. That I really don’t want to work long hours and weekends, or study stuff purely for its career value. These realisations led to the decision to have Foozley.

I also realised that opting for career mediocrity would limit my ultimate income and lifestyle options. There won’t be a big house in a swish suburb, a flash car, or a particularly comfortable retirement in my future. And obtaining these things is not a motivator for me. As long as I can feed, clothe and house myself within reason, I’ll be happy.

In short, I’ve opted for a small life. It’s a bit of a battle in the world in which we live to remain at peace with that, but I would prefer to opt for mediocrity, than sacrifice my personal and family life in the pursuit of something which ultimately doesn’t mean anything to me.

Gym Junkie in the making

I went and looked at the gym last night. It’s a pretty basic arrangement. Really just a circuit of equipment in a room. It’s only recently opened and everything, except the exercise equipment, has a kind of cardboardy, impermanent look about it.

The blonde with the drawn-on eyebrows (what makes anyone think that actually looks any good?) was a little over-eager, but I decided to sign up in spite of it.

The women working out all looked very normal and boring, like a group I would comfortably blend into. Everyone wore trackies and t-shirts and the body shapes and ages varied. The cost is not outrageous and I’m on a monthly deal so I can pack it at any time - with 30 days notice. It’s about 10 minutes down the road and I could (if I had my gear with me) go on the way home at night. All in all I figured it can’t hurt to give it a go.

At lunchtime it’s off to look at some shoes. The ones I have are old and, I think, a bit small these days. The potential cost is a bit frightening, but I’ll placate myself with the thought that, if I get good, well-fitted shoes, I’ll get more use from them and have them for years.

Speaking of Extremists… August 24, 2005

US evangelist wants Chavez assassinated

I don’t believe in Karma any more

I’ve decided that I don’t believe in Karma any more. Or if it does exist, it’s much less fair than I thought.

There’s nothing I could have done that would be heinous enough to deserve having to work on the product I’m currently handling.

It’s like being in the middle of some bad slapstick film. Just fuck up, on top of fuck up, on top of fuck up.

And there doesn’t appear to be a damn thing I can do about it.

So there is no karma.

Somewhere Else To Be

I’m having one of those days when I feel like the requirement to be at work is getting the way of my life.

Workwise I’m in a bit of an odd space at the moment. A recent minor re-org has left as a people manager without people and no permanent manager of my own. My role seems undefined and what I do clearly have to do, while fairly labour intensive, is not really enough to occupy my mind or my time fully.

At other times when this sort of thing has occurred (as it periodically does at the monolith) I might ask for more to do, or fret about what I should be doing that I’m not and whether I’m actually fucking up majorly and no one is telling me about it. But this time I’m not doing either - or at least I don’t intend to. I’m pretty confident that I’m doing all I can with what I have and I need to sit with that, rather than picking at it like a scab.

It is the monolith’s job to fill my time and, if circumstances leave me with a lack of direction and occupation at times, then that goes with the territory. There’s nothing I can do to change the fact that it will happen. It’s my job to do the best I can with what I’m given and to maintain my personal equilibrium through it all. This is my lot as an employee.

While the corporate beast may want its employees to treat the business as their own, at the end of the day the employees own none, or very little, of it and have basically no control over it, so ‘taking ownership’ has very limited scope. Accepting that can only make my life easier.

What all of the above is trying to say is that, I’m a bit bored, but I’m mostly OK with it and I don’t intend to chase anyone around to give me more to do or reassure myself. Things will sort themselves out one way or another, regardless of what I do. This time next week I could be flat out, or not. And it ultimately doesn’t really matter all that much.

In the meantime, though, I can’t help wishing - just a little bit - that I could be at home gardening, or playing with Foozley, doing something fun. I should be a bit careful what I wish for though…

Naturopath - the verdict August 23, 2005

I saw, not one, but two student naturopaths at lunchtime - a young, nervous guy and a probably the same age, but seemed older and not nervous girl. They did pretty well. Didn’t give me a million pills and potions to take and didn’t charge me heaps for what they did give me. I’ll be going back.

Most of what they recommended revolved around improving my diet. More green vegies. More red meat and fish. Add some LSA (Linseed, Sunflower & Almond powder) to my breakfast. Drink some water. All quite reasonable and doable - I think.

As far as supplements are concerned, it’s just keeping on taking the multi-vitamin and B-complex I already take with the addition of some Ginkgo they gave me. Easy peasy. The Ginkgo might help my tinnitus which would also be very nice.

And, of course, get some exercise… That could be the difficult bit.