Just Nicky

Feeling extraneous August 30, 2005

I’m having a moment where I’m wondering why they keep me hanging around here. I feel very much as if I have no particular function or value in this organisation. I feel kind of abandoned and hurt.

Generally I’m pretty good at rationalising this stuff and letting it slide by. This is just one of those minutes, or hours, or days when I’m not. I feel like the fuckers have left me hanging in the hope that I will skulk off and solve the problem of what to do with me for them. Or that I have so totally stuffed up everything I’ve touched that no one can imagine a role for me that’s suited to my level of incompetence.

Intellectually I know that this is silly. That this organisation lacks the wit and the sense to have any feelings about me at all. That I am just one among many in a similar situation and on the next swing of the pendulam it could all change. But I’m not feeling very intellectual at the moment.

I also must remember that I am also working from a fairly depleted position myself. I’m coming off multiple life-changing events in a short period of time and that’s likely to make anyone feel the need for reassurance. I also need to remember that my iron levels are probably still very low and so I am more tired and emotional than I should be.

All that said, I think I will have a headache and leave work a bit early today. I won’t be missed.