Just Nicky

Day Thirteen - Frayed around the edges November 30, 2005

I didn’t think anxiety about work was getting to me, but setting the timer on the airconditioner this morning had me cursing in tones that made Finn nervous and preparing dinner nearly had me in tears. And I’ve apologised to Mark about a hundred times in the last 2 hours.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do. Either way I could get what I want or not and I don’t feel any certainty about which way to jump. It doesn’t help that I don’t feel there is anyone at work I can talk to about it who would give me good advice and information. These days you’re left very much on your own with these decisions.

Today was Mavis Wednesday. We didn’t go to DFO. I couldn’t face the thought of shuffling around there with her today. Instead I finished shortening her shirts for her and took her to do some shopping locally. I think she was happy to keep the day fairly low key.

An old friend of The Mavis’ is dying. It started as breast cancer a few years ago and now it’s in her brain. Mum’s philosophical about it. Marg has put up a good fight and is now ready to go. She has 7 kids - all adopted - and I don’t know how many grandchildren. She’s the current record holder at the hospital for receiving the most phone calls in a day and having the most visitors in her room at the one time. Apparently she’s pretty proud of that. She’s going home soon and Mum’s looking forward to going to visit her. The hospital is too far for Mum to drive on her own, so she hasn’t seen Marg recently.

I think Mum and Marg may have known each other for nearly 50 years now. They did the Mothers’ Club, Parish Council, Tennis Club thing together. For ages Mum did the flowers for the church and Marg played the organ at pretty much every mass. They’ve never been best buddies and in lots of ways they don’t have much in common, but they’ve always been there for each other and I know Mum will miss Marg when she’s gone - if only because she can’t complain any more about Marg taking over everything she starts.

Day Twelve - Sadie, the cleaning lady… November 29, 2005

My plan for today was get all busy cleaning the house. I was going to start an hour ago. In fact, I did kind of start. I went and squirted cleaning stuff all over Mark’s shower and basin and the toilet, then I left it to ’stew’ for a bit. I’ll go back eventually.

I’ve decided not to see the financial adviser today. Since the redundancy is less likely than I thought it was I need rethink my strategy a bit. And the sense I got from the adviser when I spoke to him was that he would advise taking it anyway. Why would you say no to a fat pile of money when you’re reasonably certain you’ll get another job? I’m considering applying for the job, but making it very clear in the interview that I’m not thrilled and would be more happy leaving.

My other plans for today are shopping. I thought it might be kind of nice to go over to the Plaza and wander on my own. There’s some stuff I do need to buy/look at, but I also thought I’d just browse, without the big & little boys.

Where did it go? November 28, 2005

Well today was what I think you’d call ‘wearing’. Although Finn’s humour improved during the day, he was still difficult the whole time. I don’t think he’s sick, though, just 2. He’ll be going to childcare nice & early tomorrow and staying all day.

I rang my colleague. I tried him at the office & he wasn’t there. I spoke to another colleague who is in the same situation as R & I and she is distraught about the whole thing. Her husband was recently made redundant because the clothing company he worked for was sold. He’s got another job working at Crown on week nights which leaves my colleague looking after their 2 year old ( about 8 weeks older than Finn) on her own for much of the time and she’s finding it really tough. All the stuff going on at the moment is, I think, the straw on the camel’s back for her.

I rang R at home and his attitude is much the same as mine. He really doesn’t want to play this game any more. He was planning to apply for the job, though, and be really clear in the interview about what he will & won’t do in the hope that it puts him out of the running. He was under the impression that opting out was not an option, so I looked it up on the company intranet (thank god for remote access). If I elect not to apply for the job I may still be assigned to another role for which I’m considered suitable. I’m not sure which would be worse, applying for the job and getting it, or not applying and ending up working for the bag who was my boss when I first returned from maternity leave (are you reading this M?).

I’m still going to see the financial adviser tomorrow, but now I’m not quite so certain about what I’ll do.

Day Eleven - Waking up grumpy

I didn’t think I’d woken up in a bad mood this morning, but when Mark rang from school to apologise for being short with me, I started to wonder whether I had perhaps been a bit brusque myself.

It seems like it just might be one of those sorts of days, since Finn certainly got out of the wrong side of his sleeping bag this morning. We’ve had tears, tantrums, jammed fingers, bumped head, uneaten breakfast and complaints about what’s on the telly and he’s been up for less than an hour. We certainly won’t be venturing far from home today and, if things continue in this vein, I just might pack him off to the doctor tomorrow. Added to the complaints about one of his ears hurting which has stopped him wearing his aids, it makes me wonder if he’s unwell. We’ll just have to see…

So today is going to be quiet one. If we go out shopping it will be to get a kid sized camping chair for Finn and to look at dinnerware for camping and cot-sized doonas. Finn is now extracting himself from his sleeping bag on a regular basis, so he needs something warmer than the cotton blanket we generally toss over the top of him.

I’m going to ring one of my colleagues today to see how he’s going. He’d be applying for the same role I would be and I’m sure he’s not happy about it. I hope he copes OK, he hasn’t being doing particularly well in the last few months with depression and I really hope this doesn’t make things worse for him. I think he’d be best off taking a redundancy and moving up to Albury, where his girlfriend lives, to see how things go with them both in the same city, but I know that idea scares him.

Herdin’ Gal November 27, 2005

The PuppyDeluxe & I are booked in to attend a herding first-timers’ day at Tullamarine in a couple of weeks. It’s very exciting!

I can’t wait to get her out there and see what she thinks of the woolly things.

If, as I was told, she actually came from a property near Maffra, then she might be good at this stuff.

She might even earn her keep a bit when we go to visit Bean…

Starting the ball rolling November 25, 2005

I’ve made an appointment to speak to a financial adviser about whether I should take the redundancy or not. He seems to think, from our brief discussion on the phone, that it’s a simple question.

If I like his manner, etc. and what he has to say for himself I’ll make another appointment for Mark & I to see him together and make a long term plan. I think it’s time we got really serious about money stuff and put some things in place to ensure we have ourselves and Foozley covered as time goes on.

If we get nothing else from this redundancy, we’ll go from people who bumble our way through life to people who know where their towels are and that would make me very happy.

Day Ten - Slow & Steady

Today got off to a fairly slow start after last night’s shenannigans. I woke Finn at about 9 o’clock and only dropped him off at childcare at 10.

My plans for today revolve mainly around houseworky types of things. There are some spots in the house which are pretty messy and I need to clean them up a bit. And then of course there’s the whole ‘do I want to keep my job’ question.

I’ve got the job description for the role I might apply for. There are lots of other jobs advertised, but I don’t feel I have the combination of qualifications and interest required for them and there will be plenty of other people eyeing them off. For ‘my’ role there are 2 positions available and at least 3 of us likely to apply. I think I have more experience than the other 2, so I’ve probably got a fairly good shot at getting the role, but the question at the end of the day is if I want it.

If I have to update the resume and go through the interview process for this, why not do it for an external job and get the payout as well?

So much to think about.

Should I stay or should I go now… November 24, 2005

Bouncing things around in my head.

If I go I will be able to:
take a bit of a rest before leaping back into the fray.
do this and this.
spend a lot more time with Finn & Mark.
focus on getting fitter and healthier.

If I go I will have to:
buy another car.
get some serious financial advice (anyone know a good advisor/accountant?).
get some really serious interview clothes.

If I go I will not have:
staff discounts to rely on.
as much employment certainty.
as much money to live on.

Going could be:
the best thing I’ve ever done.
very freeing.
a really bad idea at the moment.

(sigh) When it comes down to it I know exactly what I want to do. What I don’t know is if I can do it.

Day Nine - Kind of Sleepy

Although I had no fixed plans, I was intending to be terribly industrious today. It’s not turning out that way.

Finn & I have played in the garden and I’ve let him watch too much television and put him down for a sleep. I’m kind of tempted to have one myself.

I’m less impressed with the diet today. I was starving by 11 o’clock so I had to eat half my lunch. I’ll need to eat the second half soon or I’ll be chewing the furniture…

EEK!! Decision looming!!

I’ve received a call. I have a couple of choices.

I can either jump or wait (ie. apply for a role) to see if I get pushed. One is the responsible thing to do. The other is a very attractive option. And I can’t choose either of them at this minute.

While I’d like to lob a bomb into the middle of my life and see what happens, it’s neither fair nor reasonable to do so without consultation. If I were single & childless it would be a no-brainer, but I’m not, so it isn’t.

If I jump everything will change. It could be just what I need. Then again, it might not be.

If I wait and don’t get pushed things won’t be the same anyway. There’s probably a lot of hassle ahead and I don’t know how ready I am to take part in that.

If I wait and do get pushed it will be the same as if I jump, just not entirely of my choosing.