Just Nicky

2005 December 23, 2005

I’ve started a couple of ‘year in review’ entries and abandoned them because they didn’t feel right. I couldn’t really capture 2005 in a series of highlights and lowlights because it really didn’t feel like that kind of year.

2005 was very much a part of a 10 year cycle that I’ve noticed tends to repeat itself throughout my life. In the past the cycle has culminated in a really bad year (always a year ending in 4) with a lot of destructive change and then restarted the next year with the beginning of new & good things for me. Yes, I know this sounds like new age crap, but it really seems to be the pattern of my life to date.

I could detail each of the bad years thus far, but this entry is about 2005, not the preceding 38 years of my life. So I’ll just give a brief précis of 2004, to give context to 2005.

2004 – I returned to work too early from maternity leave. I was not physically, mentally or emotionally ready to leave Finn. Dropping him at childcare each morning was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And I returned to a workplace which had changed in ways I didn’t like. My old team was gone and I was working for someone who seemed utterly lacking in empathy. A re-org in the middle of the year improved that situation, but generally I was tired and depressed. My interest in life was just about nil. I’ve dealt with situations like this before by making a drastic change – dropping out of uni, changing jobs, moving house, ending friendships – but that really wasn’t possible this time, so I just had to work through it all.

2005 – This year was the beginning of the new cycle. Things turned a corner and began to improve by degrees. Having the acoustic neuroma diagnosed & removed took some of my hearing and left me tinnitus, but it also confirmed for me that I did not imagine the symptoms and that restored some of my self confidence. Taking iron tablets did more than remove my tiredness. It gave me back my ability to think rationally (at least that’s how it felt) and made my body work in the way I was used to it working pre-pregnancy. Seeing Finn going from strength to strength and loving childcare reassures me daily. Seeing Mark engaged by working in the classroom has made so much worthwhile. The imminent end of my time at the monolith is exciting and heralds the start of new things for me. I can’t wait.

2005 may be nearly over but it’s just the beginning.