Just Nicky

It’s a just step to the left… January 20, 2006

The way I’ve been feeling recently at work reminded me very much of the way I felt when I first returned from maternity leave. Extraneous. Confused. Alone. And I started to wonder if my mood was perhaps heading the way it was when I first went back to work. This was not a pleasant thought.

These sorts of thoughts were bothering me a bit last night (and probably accounted in part for my lack of sleep), so I just popped into the beyondblue website and ran through their checklists for depression. The consensus is that, yes I am suffering some distress, but not in a major way. That’s both comforting and worrying.

It’s comforting in that in matches a bit with how I think I’m feeling - unhappy, but not completely dropping my bundle - and suggests that things are not too bad. It’s worrying in that the advice still suggests seeing my doctor. I don’t want to see my doctor, unless I’m at death’s door. So I suppose my end result is to be alert, but not alarmed.

I’m in a situation I don’t like: Exiting, but not fast enough. Doing work I don’t enjoy. In somewhat of an administrative wilderness because I’m no longer part of the structure of the group I’m working in. And I don’t deal well with being in situations I don’t like and being unable to remove myself from them. I need to remember this when I get annoyed with myself for being unhappy. And I also need to remember that only I have about 4 more weeks of this to endure. Watch me forget in the next 10 hours…