Just Nicky

Could be, might be, isn’t actually February 13, 2006

I have a habit of running through possible scenarios in my head - playing make believe with myself. I think about what I’m about to do, where I’m going and a little soap opera of what is likely to happen runs through my mind.

It can be very useful because it means I’m often ready for reactions and outcomes before they occur. It can also help me be less affected by stuff that goes on because I’ve already worked through the possibilities before they happen. But the flipside is that it can sabotage me. I can be really worked up about situations before they arise and stress myself unnecessarily.

I’ve been doing that a bit with work. Expecting each day to be difficult and finding myself feeling ill on the way in and sitting at my desk in pain with my tightening back and shoulders before anything has actually happened. And I did it this morning when thinking about something I’m planning to do once I finish working. I had anticipated someone’s (not Mark’s) negative reaction, planned my response and got myself all annoyed about it. In fact, nothing has happened and it could be months before anything does.

The quotes on Bean’s blog this morning have underscored that I really need to be staying in the moment right now and not getting ahead of myself. I made the decision to stay at work for an extra month. I can’t change that. I need to just focus on working each day as it comes and lose the regret and anger that I feel about being here because they won’t change a thing. I also need to stop getting ahead of myself and using my post-monolith time as a kind of opiate to take my mind off now. It’s just as fraught with opportunities for angst as the present and it’s even more pointless to be upset it.

Thank you for the lesson Bean.