Just Nicky

For Helen May 30, 2006

First let me say this. AAAARRRRGGHH!!! There are none so blind as they who will not see. You don’t see what everyone else does, but then who does?

Now, point by point:

Ordinariness - You are one of the furtherest things from ordinary I’ve ever come across. And believe me, I’ve seen - and been - some pretty ordinary people.

Impetuousity - What you class as impetuous is the point at which everyone else is saying “finally she’s doing it!” The last time I thought you behaved impetuously was when you got married at 19 and move to the other side of the world - that was a long time ago - and you’d put a lot more thought and planning into that than I put into having a child.

Running away - Working your way through to where you want to be is not running away. It’s running to and that’s a good thing. You wouldn’t know the current situation wasn’t working if you hadn’t given it a go.

Fraudulence - You’re not pretending feelings you don’t have, so you’re not misleading him. It’s only reasonable to expect that a 20+ year relationship will take some getting over. Give yourself the time and space to do that.

Expertise - You’re damn good at using your head and that puts you way ahead of 99% of the population. Make the most of it. If the people who call you an expert got off their bums and read the Help files, they’d be experts too.

Moral cowardice - Bullshit! Your mother & your sister need to sort themselves out. You are not responsible for them. At the risk of overstepping the bounds, I’d suggest you leave them to it. As long as you have an acceptable relationship with each of them you’re doing all you need to.

Saintliness - You lost that claim to fame when Sue told you what fuck meant. We have all done stuff that we are not proud of. My halo was trampled in the dirt many years ago and the stains ain’t ever coming out. You are in general a good person, your human weaknesses just enhance that, not detract from it.

Truth - If your truth dictates that you get out of the corporate quagmire than go. As long as you can feed, clothe and house yourself money is unimportant. Being alive to yourself is of far greater value than any salary.

In summary you are quite likely the most talented, intelligent and all around reasonable human being I know. Seeing you doubt yourself and your abilities this way makes me angry. No one should have less reason to doubt. I see so many in whom a little doubt would be a very healthy thing, yet they have way more confidence than they deserve. Don’t feel chastised by this, please feel the friendship & love behind it.

OK, so not a great start May 29, 2006

It was as well that I started to look at my study stuff when I did. There was a tutorial session at 1pm today, which I found out about at 12.45pm.

I can’t download any of the readings off the site. Well, I can download them, but they’re blank documents. I’m going to give it a go on Mark’s Windows laptop before I ring Support just so I can get the whole “it’s because you’re using a Mac” thing out of the way.

I have to use Internet Explorer for the Chat Room. I hate Explorer.

I’ll be back to give it another go tomorrow.

Oh and another thing: I still have my original Swiburne student number for this subject. It starts with the year I first enrolled. And I remembered it without having to find it again. It makes me feel a weird mix of clever and old…

Monday Monday

Finn was awake again last night. Putting him back in his bed is now pointless. He just came back with his pillow, dummy and Blankie Bear and hopped in with me.

The heater is busted and the repair man will be here on Friday. Fortunately the airconditioner is also a heater and does a passable job of heating part of the house. The rest of it is fecking cold though.

My back is much, much betterer. I’m not walking any dogs just yet, though. I’m going to take it slowly, slowly and try to focus on core strength so that it keeps improving and I don’t have too many more $40 trips to the chiro.

The good bit about Indi grabbing Audrey the other day is that Audrey has learned some caution. When I was outside hanging washing a little while ago the dogs rushed the fence. Audrey turned and ran, while Lola stood there looking confused. I like Audrey being the friendly, not scared one, but it’s good that she knows that dogs are to be avoided. She’s still my mate, which is nice. And Lola is getting friendlier with me. It must be something to do with laying along with the fact that I almost always have food when they see me.

Today is the day my first Open University subject starts. It probably doesn’t bode well that I can’t clearly describe what the subject’s about. Might be time to hop on the website & do some reading. Or I could knit…

This afternoon May 26, 2006

I hab a cold in da nobe.

Audrey is fine.

The dogs have given up all hope of ever going on another walk and lost the will to live.

You all suck for not posting more to keep me amused.

Of backs and chooks

I saw the chiropractor again yesterday and my back is better. Most of the pain now is, I think, bruising from him pushing things back where they belong. I still have to take it easy today - no bending or lifting - and put ice on it a bit, but it should be pretty good by tomorrow. He also recommended a couple of gentle walks, but it’s too grey and gloomy outside to want to go anywhere at the moment. I might go for a trip to the Plaza later.

We nearly had a chook disaster this morning, but all is, or appears to be, OK. Audrey had hopped over the fence of the chook yard into the bit of the yard around the clothesline. The chooks were in there yesterday so I suppose she figured she’d take herself in there again today. Mark went down to put her back in the chook yard and the dogs got past him and cornered Audrey. Indi actually managed to grab her. Mark got Indi to drop Audrey and then shooed her back where she belonged while fending off the dogs. Audrey appears to be fine, apart from some missing feathers and a bit of a limp. It looks like we might be either clipping wings or raising the height of their fence this weekend.

Sunbakers May 25, 2006

Oh my aching back! May 24, 2006

I think I can say without fear of contradiction that I have definitely hurt my back. It’s been kind of sore for weeks, which I’d put down to the rigours of being at home where lots more tasks require bending and lifting than I realised. The last few days, though, have been much worse and I think Emmylou is at least partially to blame.

On Sunday I took her on a walk with Finn, Mark & Indi. Em generally pulls a bit when she walks just with me, but when we have company she’s just too excited by the whole experience and pulls constantly and particularly hard - even with her head halter on. I suspect wrestling to avoid being towed the whole way has pulled my back way out of whack.

Each morning I start off stiff, but kind of OK. By mid-afternoon I’m in serious pain, even though I’m trying to take it easy - as easy as one can with a toddler around. I saw the chiropractor on Monday and it did help a bit, but I think tomorrow I’ll be seeing the doctor. If nothing else, I need some anti-inflammatories to settle things down a bit and give it all a rest. Once I’ve got my back to the point where it’s not making me dizzy with pain to move (I kid you not), I’ll start some gentle stretching and exercising to start strengthening it.

It’s a good thing that this is Mark’s last week of rounds. Next week he’ll be here to help wrangle Finn and that allow me to give my back a good rest. In the meantime The Foozle is spending a lot of time watching his Baby Einstein DVDs because I’m not game to take him out where I’m likely to have to pick him up or carry him.

Pieces of today May 23, 2006

My back is killing me. I seem to have actually hurt it.

Finn & I made a chocolate mug cake - no that is not a typo. We also made Anzacs from Loobylu’s recipe.

I scratched the roof of my mouth with a knitting needle. Don’t ask how. I’m not sure I know.

I left Finn’s hearing aids in when he went down for his sleep. I am an idiot.

Today I am very pleased that I bought the Baby Einstein DVDs for Finn. They’re much less annoying and guilt inducing than Thomas, or Bob, or Fimbles, or Stuart.

Yep, that about sums me up

Incentive to keep the cats inside May 22, 2006

Over the last couple of days Cosmo & Zelda have managed to spend some time out of the confines of the house and their enclosure, either because they’ve snuck out an open door or because they’ve hassled me to the point where I’ve let them out. Generally they’ve stayed out for an hour or so before Zelda has made her own way in through the cat run and Cosmo has appeared at the door begging to be let in.

As if I needed reminding that I really should be keeping them in, I just noticed Zelda watching a New Holland Honeyeater through the wire of the cat run. Although they’re supposedly common I’ve only seen one or two and one of those was in Cosmo’s mouth. The one Zelda was watching was feeding on the bottlebrush, completely unconcerned that there was a cat about 6 feet away.

One of the good things about having chooks is that wild birds seem to take their presence as an indication of food and, I suppose, safety. I’ve seen more of them in our yard in the last month or so than in years before. One of the bad things about having the chooks is that a lot of those wild birds are introduced sparrows, starlings or doves that I would rather not encourage. Still, one must take the good with the bad.

So I am rebuked and reminded that pusscats must be contained so that honeyeaters can enjoy bottlebrushes without being threatened. I will now go and clean out the litter trays so that I don’t have reason to feel bad about keeping the cats in.