Just Nicky

For Helen May 30, 2006

First let me say this. AAAARRRRGGHH!!! There are none so blind as they who will not see. You don’t see what everyone else does, but then who does?

Now, point by point:

Ordinariness - You are one of the furtherest things from ordinary I’ve ever come across. And believe me, I’ve seen - and been - some pretty ordinary people.

Impetuousity - What you class as impetuous is the point at which everyone else is saying “finally she’s doing it!” The last time I thought you behaved impetuously was when you got married at 19 and move to the other side of the world - that was a long time ago - and you’d put a lot more thought and planning into that than I put into having a child.

Running away - Working your way through to where you want to be is not running away. It’s running to and that’s a good thing. You wouldn’t know the current situation wasn’t working if you hadn’t given it a go.

Fraudulence - You’re not pretending feelings you don’t have, so you’re not misleading him. It’s only reasonable to expect that a 20+ year relationship will take some getting over. Give yourself the time and space to do that.

Expertise - You’re damn good at using your head and that puts you way ahead of 99% of the population. Make the most of it. If the people who call you an expert got off their bums and read the Help files, they’d be experts too.

Moral cowardice - Bullshit! Your mother & your sister need to sort themselves out. You are not responsible for them. At the risk of overstepping the bounds, I’d suggest you leave them to it. As long as you have an acceptable relationship with each of them you’re doing all you need to.

Saintliness - You lost that claim to fame when Sue told you what fuck meant. We have all done stuff that we are not proud of. My halo was trampled in the dirt many years ago and the stains ain’t ever coming out. You are in general a good person, your human weaknesses just enhance that, not detract from it.

Truth - If your truth dictates that you get out of the corporate quagmire than go. As long as you can feed, clothe and house yourself money is unimportant. Being alive to yourself is of far greater value than any salary.

In summary you are quite likely the most talented, intelligent and all around reasonable human being I know. Seeing you doubt yourself and your abilities this way makes me angry. No one should have less reason to doubt. I see so many in whom a little doubt would be a very healthy thing, yet they have way more confidence than they deserve. Don’t feel chastised by this, please feel the friendship & love behind it.