Just Nicky

It’s all about me, me, me. August 23, 2006

Talking to Mark last night about the stuff that has gone on in the last few days and the events of the last 3 years I realised that it is quite possible that some people have never seen me at my best. Don’t worry, I have no intention of apologising for that.

I chose to deal with the various things life has thrown at me in recent years by gritting my teeth (literally, I’ve ground my bottom teeth down) and trying to just keep going as much as possible. Of course, I haven’t always succeeded and I dare say that the effort has at times made me seem harsh, emotionally shut down and selfish. And I still don’t plan to apologise for it.

I know that this is not a healthy way to deal with stressful life changes and it did put a strain on my relationship with Mark. Perhaps it would have been better to seek professional help, but I didn’t feel like that avenue was available to me. I don’t believe that being treated for depression would have been compatible with the environment I was working in. I could have been wrong, but I didn’t want to take a risk in order to find out. Had I said that I couldn’t continue and stopped working to receive treatment and get myself together, Mark would have left his course to work and support us and I had no confidence that he would go back once I was OK.

I made a commitment to work while Mark studied and believed that enabling him to complete his course and go into his new career was important for the long term health of our family and worth the short term pain and angst. I strongly believe that teaching is something Mark should do, that he will be great at it and that it he will be a happier individual in a career that he obtains satisfaction from (and I do only want the best for him) and I really didn’t want to put it at risk.

At every step of the way Mark & I were clear on where we stood with each other. When he felt hurt or let down by my behaviour he let me know and we resolved it. And vice versa.

If that means that people saw a side of me that they didn’t like it’s sad, but I’m not going to apologise for doing what I saw as best for my family (up to and including what I’ve done in the last few days). The good news is that life in general is much better for all three of us now and we are moving forward to something much brighter and more positive. Those who wish us well are more than welcome to come along for the ride.

Just so you know, this will be my last entry on the subject of me vs. “the farkenace community”. It’s all sunshine and kittens from here on in.