Just Nicky

Let it Rain, Let it Rain, Let it Rain … July 18, 2007

Warning: This is a very, very boring blog entry.

To take my mind off being stuck indoors on a cold, rainy day with a 3 year old again I’ve been getting very interested in the weather stats for our local area.

I use this page on The Age website for my daily weather forecast. I like the fact that it tells me that it feels 4 degrees colder outside than the actual temperature. I went outside to let the chook out a little while ago and I can tell that it’s quite right. It does feel like one degree out there. It also shows the average rainfall for this area (down the bottom).

This page on the bureau website give the stats for this month. And it makes me feel much better about the rain to see that we’ve already exceeded our average rainfall for July.

See, told you it was boring…

‘Ear me out July 17, 2007

hörgeräte by DoNut+

I took Finn to the Royal Children’s Hospital this morning for a six monthly checkup. We’ve been going there since Finn’s hearing loss was diagnosed at 3 months and I’m increasingly unsure why we bother to continue.

Each time we see a different person who asks the same questions we’ve been asked every other time we’ve been - information which is contained in Finn’s file. They look in Finn’s ears and we go home again.

After a slew of hearing tests it can’t be in much doubt that Finn’s hearing loss is permanent and not going to be fixed by grommets (my least favourite question is whether he’s ever had grommets and why not). The only time his hearing test results vary are when he has a cold and gets fluid in his ears, which clears as soon as the cold is gone and his next test is always back to the 45 decibel level.

Perhaps I’m just grouchy about having to wrangle the 2 kids to get there on time and then being rained on on the way home. I’m over all the testing and poking and prodding that has been a feature of Finn’s life to date. I also feel a little bad hauling Leila around when this has nothing to do with her.

Maybe I just need a sleep.

Drought Breaking

If this drought really is coming to an end, there are a few lessons I need to learn:

Finn has a parka for a reason. It can’t keep him dry if he’s not wearing it.

Finn (and Leila when the time comes) should have more than one pair of winter shoes so that there’s a pair to put on when he’s managed to step in every single puddle.

Although I’ve never been fond of hooded jackets or hats, I may have to learn to wear them. Juggling an umbrella, a pram and a 3 year old is not a skill I possess.

The storm cover for the pram is a necessity when it even looks like raining.

It’s better to arrive somewhere and have to peel off multiple layers than to be either soaked or frozen on the journey.

Free parking is a false economy on a rainy day.

Feeling a bit Clever July 13, 2007

Knitted Dress by Nicky P

Firstly I have to say a big ‘thank you’ for those lovely comments on the last entry. You are all very good people.

And now to business…

I’m feeling a wee bit clever because, not only did I finally completely finish a couple of knitted items (well … except for buttons), but I made one of them up myself - partly.

The picture above is of the knitted dress that I devised myself. I used a Debbie Bliss pattern that I knitted up last year for Abi and the jumper pattern that I’ve been using to make bibs. I’m pretty pleased with it. The neck looks a bit small, but it buttons on the shoulder so I don’t think that will be a big issue.

The other finished object is a pinafore using the Anouk pattern from Knitty (I’ll be a lazy blogger and let you find it yourself, rather than linking). The only difference to the original pattern is that I sewed the sides up to the bottom of the bodice. I’m less happy with it than I am with the first, but I’m sure it will still look lovely on the Little Princess.

For both of them I used the Anchor Magicline that I’ve been using for bibs. I’ve kind of fallen in love with it. I still have four balls in a colourway I haven’t used before and I’m tempted to knit another dress from it. I have a couple of other things waiting for finishing touches though before I’ll allow myself to cast on for something else.

She’s All Tuesdays and Forgetfulness July 7, 2007

Pollyanna - The Glad Game by Mamluke

So I suffer from depression. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Almost all the time.

Although I would like to think it isn’t so, I’m pretty sure it’s always been there. It’s worn different faces over the years. From the teenage certainty that I would end up with thick glasses to match my acne, braces and bad haircut, through binge drinking, risk-taking and antisocial behaviour, to the present day’s creeping inertia that renders me all but useless. I can date my first awareness of it to my mid-teenage years, but I’m sure it started earlier. That’s neither here, nor there, though. All that matters is that it exists and it is an integral part of my makeup. As much as my blue eyes and the birth mark on my leg.

Now I just need to believe and accept that. And work out how to live with it. How to live with myself.

I’ve been seeing shrinks at the Royal Womens since before Leila was born. It was part of my antenatal care and I can continue to see someone there until Leila is 12 months old. The combination of a mild antidepressant and talking to them has largely kept me from falling into the big black hole again, although sometimes I feel that I’m teetering on the edge. Recently Mark pulled me back from the brink - again.

My current shrink asked me what I thought psychiatry could do for me. I was a bit taken aback by the question and gave her a partial answer but now I think I’ve worked out the whole one.

I don’t think I’m every going to be a Pollyanna, always cheerful and sunny … and so, so, annoying. Depression is always going to be a part of me and I will always be a little reserved and retiring, even when I’m deleriously happy. What I want to learn - need to learn - is how to make decisions I’m happy with and know whether they’re driven by wonky brain chemistry or not. And, even if they are, to own my choices and accept them, rather than second guessing myself and heading into that awful spiral.

Maybe it’s all about self acceptance.