She’s All Tuesdays and Forgetfulness July 7, 2007
So I suffer from depression. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Almost all the time.
Although I would like to think it isn’t so, I’m pretty sure it’s always been there. It’s worn different faces over the years. From the teenage certainty that I would end up with thick glasses to match my acne, braces and bad haircut, through binge drinking, risk-taking and antisocial behaviour, to the present day’s creeping inertia that renders me all but useless. I can date my first awareness of it to my mid-teenage years, but I’m sure it started earlier. That’s neither here, nor there, though. All that matters is that it exists and it is an integral part of my makeup. As much as my blue eyes and the birth mark on my leg.
Now I just need to believe and accept that. And work out how to live with it. How to live with myself.
I’ve been seeing shrinks at the Royal Womens since before Leila was born. It was part of my antenatal care and I can continue to see someone there until Leila is 12 months old. The combination of a mild antidepressant and talking to them has largely kept me from falling into the big black hole again, although sometimes I feel that I’m teetering on the edge. Recently Mark pulled me back from the brink - again.
My current shrink asked me what I thought psychiatry could do for me. I was a bit taken aback by the question and gave her a partial answer but now I think I’ve worked out the whole one.
I don’t think I’m every going to be a Pollyanna, always cheerful and sunny … and so, so, annoying. Depression is always going to be a part of me and I will always be a little reserved and retiring, even when I’m deleriously happy. What I want to learn - need to learn - is how to make decisions I’m happy with and know whether they’re driven by wonky brain chemistry or not. And, even if they are, to own my choices and accept them, rather than second guessing myself and heading into that awful spiral.
Maybe it’s all about self acceptance.
One thing is for sure, there’s no easy answers. I’ve grown up with a family member who had severe, ongoing depression (15 years or more) and none of us are any closer to the answer.
“Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”
Despite you suffering this depression you are a very long way from “all but useless”. You keep a house full of creatures and kids going and manage to be an intelligent and wonderful person at the same time. You may not achieve all you hope for and I know things can get better in terms of how you feel; but you are still a very useful, interesting and lovely person.
(all of which I’ve said in person but can’t help but add here too.)
I agree with Fiona (and love that quote, it’s been one of my favorites for years) and would only add from my own personal experience that the best thing I’ve found is to stop trying to decide how I will be and just let myself be. I tend to get distracted and stuck when I spend too much time in my head and too little time engaged with the world.
My only other thought is that I’ve seen psychiatrists and/or licensed clinical social workers (and other designations) and the best combo for me has been therapy with an LCSW and medication maintenance *only* with the Dr. When I’ve tried to do the therapy part with a Psychiatrist, it’s ONLY led to trouble - not always immediate, but inevitable. That’s just me, but sometimes things resonate.
And no, I don’t think for a millisecond that any of that is easy — or even clear. This is a hard path to walk but it *is* possible for the lows to get less-low.
Best of luck to you, Nicky, I’ll be sending you my best energy. Be gentle with yourself.
My shrink is a touchstone against “am i really completely off my rocker or is this really nothing to be worried about?”. There are so many amateur therapists out there (by which i mean well meaning but unqualified people) who are prepared to give their opinion on your behaviour that it’s nice to be able to say “no, I’m not bi-polar, my shrink is quite certain of that”.
I’m still not sure whether my current desire to fill my house with 1950s maple veneer has something to do with the medication though..
Anyway I know i’d rather take the thoughtful, intelligent, witty and caring person that you are than some dizzy, annoyingly cheerful type.
I actually feel a bit silly for my comments about types of therapists - I’m sure it’s all quite different in Australia and what I’ve learned on that score over here just doesn’t translate.
It’s probably something to do with U.S. medical school and drumming all the life out of doctors before telling them to go heal people. It’s been pretty abysmal for me, but that in no way means that it can only be abysmal for others.
Nicky,
I think you’re doing amazingly well just being a mother to your two beautiful children without adding depression into the mix. The fact that you acknowledge it, are dealing with it, are proactive about it and can recognise the symptoms is a huge part of living with it. Some days will be good, some days will be crap (and the dreary Melbourne days and lack of sleep don’t help either - thank God it’s sunny today) and some days you won’t know where it went. But all you can do is take each day as it comes and as Shannon said - be gently on yourself. You’re doing good.
I think there is a bit of an advantage with having had depression - it can’t catch you by surprise again. You may feel yourself spiralling but you can catch yourself sooner and you know what signs to watch out for - and you’re asking for awareness and help, which I found one of the hardest things to do.
Keep it up girlfriend! You’re doing great.
Oh dear. I’ve been away for so long and when I take a peak to see what you’re up to I find you in a hole. I can’t offer any advice, suggestions or even sympathise from experience. I can only say, love you heaps even though I’m really, really bad at picking up the phone. Think of you often and think you’re doing a fabulous job.