By means of meditation we can teach our minds to be calm and balanced; within this calmness is a richness and a potential, an inner knowledge which can render our lives boundlessly satisfying and meaningful. While the mind may be what traps us in unhealthy patterns of stress and imbalance, it is also the mind which can free us. Through meditation, we can tap the healing qualities of mind. - Tarthang Tulku
Today has all the potential to be a tough one. We have stuff to do and none of us are feeling much like getting on with things.
After a late night I’m tired, hayfevery and a bit short of patience. My ideal morning would be spent in bed.
Leila is grouchy with a bit of a cold and an attack of ‘itchy bum’ and wouldn’t have her bottle this morning. At the moment she’s writhing in her seat and grumbling at her toy fish.
Finn is being silly and difficult and has been sent to his room after refusing to clean his teeth and get dressed. This is not so much a punishment as a distraction to allow me time to have my own breakfast and get dressed.
My plan for today was to get all the jobs done this morning so that the munchkins and I could have a quiet afternoon ahead of visitors this evening. But I refuse to spend my time fighting with Finn and hassling with Leila, so things just might not get done. I’ll take a quiet life over a clean and tidy one today.
I’d decided that today I would start a campaign of putting the house to rights so that it was under control when I officially begin my study. I hadn’t bargained on the small boy and the lovely weather.
When Finn nagged at me to come and sit in the hammock with him I could hardly refuse. Leila even joined us for a while after her sleep. Then he insisted that we have lunch outside. Consequently nothing got done inside the house - although I did catch up on the washing.
All through July I cursed the wet weather that kept us indoors day after day. Now that the weather’s nicer I’ve been spending part of each day outside in the back yard. I need a day of rain to get some housework done
It’s just The Little Princess and me today. With her going to childcare on Tuesdays, Thursday is now the only day that I have her all to myself and vice versa. So we’re celebrating our mother-daughter time with me in the study typing this and her in the lounge room gazing out the window and yelling along with Mozart on her mobile (when the mobile stops so does Leila). We’ll get plenty of time for cuddles (in front of the telly) later.
It’s looking quite wintery outside today so there are no major plans for expeditions or outside time. I’m just thinking of going to the supermarket to restock the pantry and fridge and trying to restore a bit of order to the house which looks like a number of bombs have been let off in each room. I did tell Finn that I would buy some seedlings today for us to plant in the vegie garden tomorrow, but it looks like being cold and wet, so I’m hoping he’ll forget I said it.
At some stage I might curl up on the couch with the books for my uni subjects. I’m studying Psych and Introduction to Management this study period so I’m sure the opening chapters of each will be absolutely riveting. I’d like to start getting my head around it all, though, and doing a little reading seems like a good way to do it.
The qualification I’m sort of aiming for is a Bachelor of Business Studies. It’s not my ‘pie in the sky’ ideal, but it’s what I can get into to study, what I can study by distance, what I can begin studying right now and - being at least a bit pragmatic - it’s probably going to be of more tangible value than what I’d ideally like to study. If I was 18 again (and no I don’t want to be 18 again) I’d be doing cultural studies, philosophy and so on - all the fuzzy ‘useless’ stuff - because I think that’s the stuff that people need to know about before they tie themselves to the career treadmill, but at my time of life (she says, inspecting her grey hairs and crows feet) I need to be realistic about what’s going to give me the most useful result for the time I’m going to put into it. And Business Studies is probably it. Pragmatism, thy name is Nicky.
Now I think The Little Princess is in need of a sleep. The yells are getting a bit of an edge to them that’s not good. Off to the land of nod she goes.
One of the big reasons I decided not to go back to work after I left Telstra was that I wanted to complete a tertiary course. I’ve made a number of previous attempts but I was always trying to work fulltime as well and it just never worked for me. I figured that this would be my time, while looking after Leila and Finn, to finally do it.
Because I don’t want to put Leila into childcare for more than one or two days a week yet and Finn will be going to kinder next year my best option is to begin my studies by distance education. There are 2 options in this area (there are actually probably more, but these are the 2 most accessible to me). Open Universities or the institution where Mark studied. Open Universities has some advantages over the other. Open Unis doesn’t require year 12 results to begin studying. You just choose your subjects and and enrol. Given that my year 12 results are now 24 years old and not particularly spectacular this suits me fine. Open Unis doesn’t follow the standard 2 semester structure that the conventional institutions use. Instead they have 4 study periods a year and go all year round. Studying 2 subjects per study period constitutes a fulltime load for Centrestink purposes so makes it possible for me to apply for Austudy (not that I’d get much) and has a positive effect on our Child Care Benefit. And Open Unis is not the institution where Mark studied. This is probably its greatest advantage.
Yesterday was the closing date for enrolments for OU’s 3rd study period so I got my butt into gear and enrolled in 2 subjects. Now that both kids are in childcare on Tuesdays I can use some of that time to study and, with evenings and Thursdays (when Finn’s at childcare), I should be able to give it something approaching the amount of time it needs.
Going back to study is something I’ve planned to do since I first dropped out of Swinburne in 1984 and this attempt is something of a make or break moment for me. I’m never going to have a better opportunity to do this and I really feel that if I can’t do it now, it just isn’t going to happen. I’m also looking for this to lead me into a new career that, hopefully, will carry me through to retirement and beyond. Ultimately, I’d like to work in a way that I can tailor to suit my lifestyle and my physical and mental energies and keep doing into my seventies. It’s one of life’s realities that few of my generation will be able to stop work at 65 and put their feet up (and I’m not sure I’d want to either). If I’m going to keep working, I want it to be at something that I enjoy and I don’t want to be killing myself into the bargain.
So, once more into the fray I go…
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha…
In spite of battling with Finn for most of the day yesterday I managed to transplant my four hydrangeas. Two were in the garden in a spot where they get too much sun in summer and two were in pots under the pergola. Now they’re all along the fence on either side of the cubby house where they are in shade pretty much all day in winter and for a lot of the day in summer.
This is make or break for the plants. I’ve had them for years, in pots and in different spots in the ground and they’ve never done particularly well. Hydrangeas are supposed to be tough, but they seem to be a plant that I just don’t have a knack for growing. My particular brand of benign neglect doesn’t work for them. If they don’t thrive after this latest move then they’ll be going in the bin.
When I was planting them I was struck by how heavy and wet the soil was. This is a bit of a novelty. I’m used to our soil being bone dry and rock hard below the surface. We’ve obviously had enough rain to finally soak right through the clay. For the first time in ages I was a bit worried that the ground might be too wet for the hydrangeas, rather than being concerned about how I was going to keep them wet enough to survive.
Hoorah for the rain.
Today I am childless. It is Leila’s first day at childcare. The first day I have been completely alone in nearly five months. It’s an odd feeling.
Mark has taken both kids out a few times - usually to let me sleep. Today feels different, though. The house has a really empty feel to it. There’s a special kind of quiet here. Being alone like this is at once lovely and freeing and kind of sad too. I’m without my baby.
I’m used to Finn being away from the house without me. He’s been going to childcare for ages and, frankly, sending him off each day is usually a relief. But Leila has been with me almost all the time. I feel like a piece of me is missing.
I will get used to it, though, and I think it will do us all some good. Leila needs to get used to being cared for by people other than Mark or I - at the moment she tends to panic if either Mark, Finn or I are not around. And I need to start spending some time completely on my own to go out or stay in, work in the garden, read or knit by myself. I will be just a little saner for that bit of space.
When I left Leila was crying. She was in the capable hands of Frances, who cared for Finn when he was a baby so, although it wasn’t easy to walk away, I felt OK about leaving her. The nice thing about sending Leila to the centre that Finn goes to is that I know most of the people who will be looking after her and Finn is there to visit and cheer her up if needed, so she’s not being deserted. And I think Finn is rather proud of his role as her big brother. I hope it carries through to school.
In a few minutes I will head off to go to the chiropractor (boy, do I need that!) and then I have acres of time ahead of me. I have no idea what I will do with it. I’m excited.
Finn came in at about 2am saying he was hungry. I got up and gave him a cup of milk and a biscuit. Then he wanted to come into our bed for a cuddle, but I said no since it rarely goes well. I put him back in his own bed with a quick cuddle and turned his music on for him.
A short while later he was back in our room with his pillow, dummy and blankie bear. He got his cuddle in our bed and it didn’t go well. The boy just squirms too much. I took him back to his bed, put his music on again and hopped in with him. His bed is too small for it to be a comfortable experience so it wasn’t long before I shuffled back to the warmth of my own doona.
It seemed no time at all before Leila was awake and chatting. She wasn’t crying so I tried to ignore her. In the end Mark got up and gave her a bottle. I got to go back to sleep, for which I was very grateful. Unfortunately Mark didn’t. I hope he took his vitamins this morning.
Leila was up again at 6.30 and so was I. Now she’s heading back to bed again. Finn isn’t up yet so I’m tempted to take myself off for another snooze. I just know that, if I do that, Finn will get up just as I’m getting settled. So I will stay up and try to cultivate a pleasant attitude.
This blog entry has been brought to you by the dwarves Sleepy, Dopey and Grumpy.
I have been exceedingly grouchy today. I don’t doubt that I am not much fun to be around right now. I just want to be left alone in peace and quiet and, of course, I’m not. I have told Finn to go away, to shut up and even snarled at him once. I will pay the therapist’s bills when the time comes to atone for my sins.
I can’t claim tiredness as my excuse. Last night I went to bed at about 8pm and Mark sat up to do the late feed with Leila. I got up briefly during the night when the baby got herself wedged in the corner of her cradle and then stayed in bed until she woke at 7am. That’s the most sleep I’ve had in months.
In my defense, though, I will blame Finn, pathetic though it is to blame a 3 year old boy for my grouchiness. This week he has seemed particularly pesky in the way of having to be asked repeatedly before he will do things, giving a contrary response to pretty much everything I say to him and making a mess or destroying something at every opportunity. My patience has worn thin and frayed. Now there’s a hole in it through which “go away” and “shut up” are escaping. If Finn were a little older “just wait until your father gets home” would feature too.
I am looking forward to Mark getting home. Finn will be excited to have his dad home and that will probably make his behaviour worse, but it will give me an ally. Right now I feel rather outgunned by the 3 year old.
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