Just Nicky

Childless August 7, 2007

Today I am childless. It is Leila’s first day at childcare. The first day I have been completely alone in nearly five months. It’s an odd feeling.

Mark has taken both kids out a few times - usually to let me sleep. Today feels different, though. The house has a really empty feel to it. There’s a special kind of quiet here. Being alone like this is at once lovely and freeing and kind of sad too. I’m without my baby.

I’m used to Finn being away from the house without me. He’s been going to childcare for ages and, frankly, sending him off each day is usually a relief. But Leila has been with me almost all the time. I feel like a piece of me is missing.

I will get used to it, though, and I think it will do us all some good. Leila needs to get used to being cared for by people other than Mark or I - at the moment she tends to panic if either Mark, Finn or I are not around. And I need to start spending some time completely on my own to go out or stay in, work in the garden, read or knit by myself. I will be just a little saner for that bit of space.

When I left Leila was crying. She was in the capable hands of Frances, who cared for Finn when he was a baby so, although it wasn’t easy to walk away, I felt OK about leaving her. The nice thing about sending Leila to the centre that Finn goes to is that I know most of the people who will be looking after her and Finn is there to visit and cheer her up if needed, so she’s not being deserted. And I think Finn is rather proud of his role as her big brother. I hope it carries through to school.

In a few minutes I will head off to go to the chiropractor (boy, do I need that!) and then I have acres of time ahead of me. I have no idea what I will do with it. I’m excited.