Just Nicky

Where are we now? July 3, 2005

The first week at work went pretty well. I was a no show on Thursday, due to lack of sleep, but I managed to make the other 4 days and even came in earlier and stayed later than I was supposed to on Friday. Next week I’m supposed to be back ‘full-time’, but I’m interpreting that a bit loosely. I’ll aim for a 9am start and pull the pin when I’ve had enough for the day, regardless of the clock.

I’ve been a bit flat and miserable over the weekend, though, which is not good. I suspect it’s tiredness and just a case of coming down after winding myself up to work pace, but I haven’t been much fun to have around. Of course, I know the best remedy for this is being mobile. Pottering around doing houseworky things is better for me than sitting on my bum in front of either telly or computer, but sitting on my bum is just too easy to do.

Once I’ve settled back into work properly I’m going to start investigating treatments for my tinnitus. Having music playing quietly does help as a distraction, but I’d like to try to minimise the tinnitus itself as much as possible. I’ve read that acupuncture can help, so I might pop over to the natural therapies college near work and see if their student clinic has anything to offer. Other stuff I’ve read talks about the usefulness of meditation, so that’s another avenue to pursue. And then there’s general good health - diet & exercise - which, of course, is supposedly the best way to reduce/manage it, so I might have to finally, finally get serious about that stuff.

Plans, plans, there’s always plans.

Here I come ready or not June 24, 2005

This cold has started to kick my arse somewhat. I haven’t been able to sleep very well and my head is much more buzzy than usual. I woke this morning feeling awful and seriously wondered whether I would be up to going into the office on Monday. In fact I wondered generally whether I really am ready to return to the fray.

Then I logged on to check my work emails and saw one showing how over burdened our team is and another inviting me to a governance meeting on Monday and the brain started ticking over big time. I found myself wanting to discuss this all with my colleagues, trying to think of ways to ease the burden.

So maybe it is time to go back. Half days only for at least the first week and then we’ll see how it goes.

Stiff neck, sore throat and snuffles (yay) June 21, 2005

My neck has been bugging me over the last few days. It’s been tight and stiff down the left side since the operation, but recently the whole neck has been giving me problems.

I saw my lovely chiropractor yesterday and he put things right. He pointed out that I probably spent the 8 hours of surgery lying with my head turn sharply to the right and it’s put everything out of whack. It’s going to take a while to right itself.

Added to that I think Finn’s cold has started to catch up with me. My throat’s sore and I’m a tad snuffly. Not a great way to spend my last week off. I’m being well cared for though with Lemsip, Strepsils, cups of tea, choccy bikkies and cuddles on tap, so I think I’ll survive.

Getting better all the time June 14, 2005

Although it feels very slow, each day I’m getting better. For the most part I feel fairly normal, apart from the tinnitus, flashes of dizziness if I move too fast and a tendency to tire more quickly that usual.

The dizziness and tiredness are things I’m sure will pass with time. The tinnitus I think I’m just going to have to live with and, at the end of the day, that’s not all that much really.

It is annoying and it does wear me down. As far as I can tell from researching on the net there’s really nothing to be done about it apart from training myself to ignore it and providing my brain with other sounds to work with. The former will be something I’m sure I’ll acheive over time, the latter is going to be a process of trial and error as some sounds exacerbate the tinnitus.

The good things are that I think I may have regained a little bit of hearing in my left ear and today I drove on our trip to the beach (Mark drove back). The hearing could well be my imagination as it’s only twice that I’ve thought I could hear stuff, so I’ll wait until my next hearing test (in about six months) before I get too excited. The driving, though, was really, really good. It was an easy drive, just straight down the freeway without at a quiet time, without having to deal with too much going on, but it felt nice to be in control of a car again. I don’t mind letting Mark drive when we go places together, but I do like knowing that I can get in the car and go when I want - not that I’ll be going far for a while.

Jingle jangle head June 10, 2005

Well today seems like a better day than yesterday, but things are still not great.

The tinnitus is very loud and jangly and it seems to react to environmental sound, rising and falling in response to voices, mechanical noises, the windchime outside.

My head feels not quite attached to my body and ever time I move it feels a little like it might float away - a very weird sensation.

The good news is that the nausea pill worked this morning and breakfast has stayed put. I’ve also killed the headache.

I suspect that my neck is actually to blame for a lot of this. I’m wondering if the trip to the hairdresser put something out of whack. I’m seeing my chiropractor this afternoon so it’ll be interesting to see what he has to say. He doesn’t know about the tumour yet because he was on holidays when I found out about it.

The price June 9, 2005

It seems that the price for yesterday’s out and about-ness is feeling crappy today, culminating in the recent loss of my lunch (and possibly breakfast too).

I don’t regret pushing the envelope a bit yesterday, though, because that’s the only way I know where the limits are.

And the way I feel today is a reminder that this was a Big Thing, which is probably worth remembering.

Companion for today - nausea June 6, 2005

I woke up feeling much better today than yesterday. I didn’t exactly bounce out of bed filled with joie-de-vivre, but I slept well (when I sleep on my good ear I sleep through Finn’s chatter) and that made a big difference.

For some unknown reason, though, I feel really chucky. Not good, given that I had breakfast not long ago.

I have pills for nausea, so I’ve taken one but, bugger!

Up and Down June 5, 2005

Although I’m doing Very Well in recovery stakes, there are times when I feel positively awful and today feels like it might be one of them. It all goes back, I think, to a poor night’s sleep.

It’s on days like this that the after effects of the tumour have their way with me. The tinnitus is really loud and jarring. My neck is very stiff. And I have a constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that won’t budge - a bit like constant anxiety.

There’s nothing to be done about any of it other than eating and drinking as normal (although I don’t feel like it), keeping myself moving and being gentle with myself. And the temptation to dive into the well of self-pity is to be avoided at all costs.

I try to focus on the thought that it will get better and that days like this are an incentive to take good care of myself, since that’s the only way to avoid them.

End of whinge.

Good visit, long visit, tiring visit June 1, 2005

The Mavis came over yesterday, stayed the night and has just gone home. It’s the most time I’ve spent with her in years and certainly the most time she’s spent at my house.

It was lovely in lots of ways. We don’t often get time to just sit and talk about stuff and we had plenty of that.

She did some housework. This was also lovely, but I felt a bit of a slackarse sitting around while my 77 year old mother vacuumed, dusted and spot cleaned the carpet. Then again, I couldn’t have done it at the moment and it was lovely to have it done for me and for Mark not to have to do it.

It was great to have her here, but I’m glad she’s gone home. My head is buzzing from all the talking and doing and thinking. Some quiet time is now much needed.

Here’s the dear modelling the Clapotis:

The bedpan made me do it May 28, 2005

Be prepared. There might be a few of these type of entries.

The day after my operation everyone seemed to be in a great hurry to get me up on my feet and eating and drinking heaps. None of these were at all attractive options, especially given that sucking on ice to moisten my mouth had led to throwing up water all over myself during the previous night.

During the day the physio came in and made me sit up on the edge of the bed. The nausea this set off was absolutley the worst you could ever imagine. Anything you’ve actually experienced times 10. I must have looked pretty green because the physio seemed almost as alarmed by the experience as I was and hung around only long enough to ensure I was lying back in bed with a bowl to dry retch into before scuttling from the room, never to be seen again. I was sure I wasn’t getting up again for days after that.

At midnight that night they removed the catheter. When I asked what I would do now I was told that I would need to use bedpan. Another new experience to add to the list.

I will save you further details, but the indignity, uncertainty, degree of difficulty and general awkwardness of the bedpan ensured that at 5am, rather than buzzing for a nurse, I was gingerly maneouvering myself and my IV stand around the bed and through the bathroom door.